Talking with People

“Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman.
But no one asked, 'What do you want?' or 'Why are you talking with her?'”
John 4:27

Jesus talked with people. So did Peter and John and Paul and all the men and women in the New Testament. And so should I. I need to talk with people. God decided that is how the gospel would be communicated, from one person to another. And I want to be part of God's plan.

Talking with people is a conversation. Conversation includes speaking and listening. Many times I have heard the saying “We have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak.” Its a great saying, but I don't find a lot of people who apply it.

We love to talk about ourselves. Today, more than ever, we are self-centered. We believe the world revolves around us. We think what we have to say is important and others should want to listen to us.

Maybe its because we spend so much time in cyber space, that when we deal with people face-to-face, are skills are not what they should be. Whatever the reason, listening is harder for most of us than talking.

Understanding the different levels of communication is a good starting point for talking with people.

Levels of Communication

In college I learned there were different levels of communication. Each one was is a deeper level of communication than the previous one. The levels are:

A conversation involving surface talk can be carried out with anyone who is willing to talk with me. This is usually the first level of conversation I try to engage in with someone. Its not very threatening to the well-being of the person.

It might include:

“How are you, today?”
“Where are you from?”
“I live here in town. How about you?”
“I work for the city as a sanitation inspector.”

A conversation involving reporting facts is not much more threatening than surface talk. I can share facts with most any one. Facts are neither good or bad, they are neutral. So sharing them is merely a way for me to open up the lines of communication.

A conversation involving opinions is more threatening. It requires me to reveal more about myself than the previous two levels. I now have to be willing to state how the facts impact me personally.

“Who are you voting for for president?” Once I answer this question, I have put myself in with a group of people. The person who asked the question might think or answer differently.

People might not like me once they hear my opinion on the death penalty, or the president, or life after death, or the economy. People might disagree with my opinions and reject me as a person. That can be hard. Sharing my opinions is risky.

But not as risky as sharing my feelings. A conversation that involves sharing feelings is the deepest level of the four. I am talking about how facts and opinions impact my emotional well being. Once a person understands how my emotions are impacted, they have some power over me. They could share facts or opinions that will hurt me emotionally. And, of course, I could do the same to them.

I have also seen lists with a fifth level. A level of deep communion. The kind of communication you can only have with a few people. This level is usually found between spouses, best friends, maybe parents and children. This is not a level of communication I can or should strive to have with everyone.

Starting a Conversation

Current Events

Current events in the community or on campus can be a great way to start a conversation. Provided that the people around me are familiar with these events. Even if they are not, it can be a chance to start a conversation by sharing what I know about an event.

Current event are a great way to start conversations about good and evil. The news folks love to report bad things. A quick read of the newspaper or a quick review of any news source on the Internet provides me ample starting points.

I might choose to start with an event that can lead to a discussion of injustice or bad people in the world. That allows me to follow up with questions on why the person thinks we experience injustice and bad things in society. That allows me to talk about sin.

Discussions on current events allow me to determine the important values of people I talk to. What do they think about the war on terrorism? Are they concerned about the economy or the housing bubble? Do they think that Facebook and MySpace make us a less relational society?

Once I find out what a person thinks, I ask them why they think that way. Each of these answers lends itself to further discussions. I can contrast their value system with mine or with God's. With a little practice most conversations can be guided toward spiritual issues.

Compliments

A genuine compliment is a good way to start a conversation with someone. I am stating my opinion about a fact related to another person. It might be a choice they made, something they own, or a kindness they showed another person.

By sharing a positive opinion with someone, I am opening the conversation at the third level. I am taking a risk. My risk allows the other person to feel comfortable sharing facts and, maybe even, their own opinions.

If they are willing to share their opinion, I need to acknowledge that their opinion is valuable. Acknowledging that their opinion is valuable encourages them to take the risk to share more.

Follow up Conversations

Often I take the time to jot down a few notes about a conversation I had with some one. Taking notes reinforces in my mind what we talked about. I use these notes to remind me to pray for that person. The next time I see the person I can ask them about their illness, their family member, their difficult situation at work, whatever we talked about previously.

People feel important when I remember things they shared with me previously. They feel like they matter. Because they do!

Clothing and Jewelry

People often notice what we wear. Sometimes they ask about it, sometimes they don't if we start the conversation asking about their clothing or jewelry, they might ask about ours.

Here is a web site with unique, one of a kind, handmade jewelry and gifts that are especially designed to help spread your ministry and Jesus' atonement for us on the cross. www.FaithfulCross.com

Seeking to Understand

I have invested years studying people. I listen to what they talk about. What they say. The words that come out of their mouth. Jesus said that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45). I want to know what is going on in the hearts of people.

Once they get to know me, some people will freely talk about what is going on in their lives. Other people do not talk as freely. So I have to ask questions. Questions are great tools for figuring out what people think and, more importantly, why they think that way.

Asking questions as a practical discipleship maximizer

For questions to be effective, I have to want to understand what people are thinking and why. If I don't, my voice and body language will betray me. I have to have a genuine interest in people. Then asking questions will yield understanding of their heart.

Being Intentional

I pray silently when I start talking to someone. I pray for an opportunity to discuss spiritual matters with them. As I ask questions and listen, I am trying to understand what God might be doing in their life. Are they sensitive to God in any area where I might be able to help them?

I am intentionally looking for opportunities to share what God has done or is doing in my life. I would like to give testimony to God. I would like for my testimony to encourage them.

My intention is to make God and the Bible the center of any conversation. Sometimes it happens easily. Sometimes it takes time and effort. Sometimes it does not happen at all.

Ultimately, at some time, I am believing God to provided me an opportunity to share my testimony with the person and to clearly explain the good news about what Jesus Christ has done for them.

References

[1] Fujishin, Randy. Gifts From the Heart. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2nd Edition. 2002. p. 31.

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